This is Day 4 of Well’s 7-Day Happiness Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
For today’s exercise, we’re going to get vulnerable and tell an important person in our lives how we feel about them. “Think about what they have done for you in your life,” said Dr. Bob Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of the new book “The Good Life.” “Where, or who, would you be without them?”
Happiness Challenge Day 4: Thank someone special
Consider what you would thank this person for if you thought you would never see them again. Take a few minutes and write down what you would tell them, with as many specific examples as possible. Don’t overthink it: It can be both dashed off and straight from the heart. Think of it as a eulogy for the living.
Then send it — by email, text, handwritten note, whatever. The medium doesn’t matter; sending it does.
The happiest people take time to explicitly cherish the people they love, Dr. Waldinger said. Writing a note of appreciation to someone, research has shown, has an immediate positive impact on feelings of well-being and connectedness, for both you and the recipient.
“Something that holds a lot of people back from reaching out is that they might be wondering, ‘Is it weird that I’m reaching out after all this time? What are they going to think?’” said Peggy Liu, an associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh’s Katz Graduate School of Business, who led a 2022 study in which participants sent a short note to someone in their social circle with whom they hadn’t interacted in a while. “But the recipients aren’t thinking about that. They’re thinking, ‘Someone has taken the time to reach out. They thought about me.’”
Bonus exercise: If you have a partner, try a gratitude list
Guy Winch, a psychologist in New York City, author and co-host of the podcast “Dear Therapists,” recommended a similar exercise to strengthen bonds in couples. Without showing your partner, write down 10 specific things they have done — with as much detail as possible — that you appreciate.
When you’re finished, clear some time with your partner, turn to them and then read your list aloud. Look at your partner after you read each item on the list. Talk about how each gesture makes you feel. Then have your partner read their list to you.
Focusing on your partner’s gestures, rather than, say, cataloging their good qualities, “highlights the real and concrete ways your partner shows up for you,” Dr. Winch said. “And many of these small moments get lost and forgotten when we’re in the emotional autopilot of daily life, so curating a list of these gestures is a way to give them the spotlight.”
My husband Tom and I tried this once. As I prepared to read my list aloud to Tom, I was seized with a sudden, uncharacteristic shyness. As I listed his thoughtful gestures — driving me everywhere because I’m timid behind the wheel, cheerfully fixing all of my computer problems — I stopped abruptly on No. 7.
“Painted my parents’ new house last summer, weekend after weekend in the heat.” I had thanked him perfunctorily for his help, but the magnitude of his gesture suddenly overwhelmed me. Every weekend he was up there, teetering on my parents’ rickety ladder. In record humidity. Near a buzzing wasp’s nest. Tears spilled down my face. Helping my elderly parents was a direct act of kindness — toward me.
Dr. Winch said that in his practice, he’s seen that the benefits of this exercise can last months, or even years.
As often as you can, look for these gestures and point them out, Dr. Waldinger said. This is an easy and ongoing way to reinforce your connection with your partner. “I call it ‘catching’ your partner being kind,” he said. “Make a practice of doing it whenever you can.”
Share your experiences: Did you thank a person who made a big impact in your life? What did you hear back? How did it make you feel? Tell us in the comments.
From the Friendship Files: Emma and Elizabeth
Each day of Well’s 7-Day Happiness Challenge, we’ll be sharing stories of meaningful friendships collected from readers across the country. We’d love to hear yours — submit your own tale of friendship.
Emma, 32, is in a season of life when many of her peers are partnering and starting families. But her primary person — the woman with whom she lives and spends most of her time — is her best friend Elizabeth, 31.
“So many of our friends joke that we’re like a married couple,” Emma said — a sign that many of us do not necessarily know how to talk about deep platonic relationships. “But Elizabeth is better than a romantic partner: She’s a best friend, a steady companion and a sister to me.”
The two met in their dorm during their freshman year of college in Tennessee. Emma cannot remember the exact moment, but she does recall the feeling of clicking and knowing Elizabeth would be in her life for a long time.
In 2019, a few years after graduating, they moved to Brooklyn. They hardly knew anyone in the city, and Emma did not have a job yet. (Elizabeth did.) Still, she felt a sense of security making the leap with her friend.
“We really live our lives in a partnered way,” Emma said. They cook together every night, performing what another friend described as a silent dance in the kitchen, anticipating each other’s next move. Tacos, with homemade tortillas, are a favorite.
Early in the pandemic, when New York was the epicenter, Emma, a case manager for an organization that provides supportive housing, continued to commute into Manhattan for work. She was aware that meant Elizabeth was taking on additional risk. “It was this very intense experience,” Emma recalled.
At home, their world narrowed down to each other. They watched the news and kept a shared diary of what life was like. (“It was mainly about food,” Emma said.) They grew so close, Emma joked that they were able to communicate telepathically.
But she is aware that theirs is unlikely to be a “forever situation.” At some point, the friends may move out and start families. “We have a rent-stabilized apartment, and we joke we will never leave it and grow old in it — but presumably, that is not what is actually going to happen.”
“This feels like a very precious moment in my life,” Emma said. “I get to live with my best friend.” — Catherine Pearson
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2023-01-05 03:00:00Z
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